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August 2008

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I can’t believe it’s been 9 days since my grandfather died, it seems like yesterday I was wheeling him around the hospital with my mom to give him some fresh air then he took a sudden bad turn and passed away several days later.

He fought so hard, the doctors didn’t think he’d survive the weekend before he died and he did, he lived 3 days longer than they thought. He was in pain, doped up on morphine, he couldn’t talk, eat or drink and they only way he’d communicate was to wiggle his eyebrows, but even in the end, he didn’t do that.

We’d spend 8-9 hours a day sitting in his hospital room, reading newspapers, watching TV and being near him so he wasn’t alone, even though he couldn’t communicate, he was listening to us, his belly rumbiling from not eating which probably didn’t help that we all ate lunch in his room as we didn’t want to leave him alone for long.

The afternoon he died, I was in my apartment. I was due to go to the hospital later that afternoon but my dad called earlier saying that my brother will pick me up at the train station instead earlier. When I got to the hospital around 3:30, my dad told me that my grandfather passed away an hour earlier but didn’t want to tell me over the phone. Even though I was expecting that he’d die sometime soon, I was still really shocked and had to get some water and sit down before going into his hospital room where my mom and aunts were.

My dad told my aunts and mom that I wanted to see him alone, I broke down into my dad’s arms before going in, so much so that I couldn’t really breathe and had to take a few minutes before I could go and see him. Finally, I walked into his room with my dad and saw my grandfather lying there. He looked so peaceful, just like he was sleeping. I touched his hand, stared at him, kissed his head and told him I loved him. I just regret not telling him that when he was still alive, I just wish he knew how much he meant to me.

His funeral was on Wednesday, a week after he died. The day before, dad & I went to see his body in the funeral home. They laid out his coffin with his favourite flower (Bird of Paradise), his favourite song (Fool on the hill by Shirley Bassey) and a photo of his wedding day to my grandmother who passed away 10 years ago. Dressed in his suit, he looked as peaceful as I last saw him. I was a little scared to see him, but it was something I had to do, even though dad didn’t want me to see him at first. My mom really didn’t want to go see him, but in the end she did along with the both of us.

On the day of his funeral a few days ago, all the family members came to his house as well as his neighbours for over 23 years. When the funeral hearse arrived with his coffin and the funeral car which my mom, her sisters and my grandfather’s surviving sister sat in, we all got in the rest of the cars and made our way in a convoy to the Crematorium. When the family entered the Crematorium, a song he requested ‘Highland Cathedral’ played until everyone was sat. The Church Minister talked, read a poem my grandfather liked, we sang a hymn, we prayed and then my grandfather’s favourite song ‘Fool on the Hill’ by Shirley Bassey played out as the family walked out the Crematorium.

Yesterday, my mom, dad and I went to the Crematorium again where we met my aunts and their husbands. We were there to helop scatter my grandfather’s ashes in the Garden of Rememberance in the grounds of the Crematorium. My mom picked a nice spot where there was a tree which resembled a tree in his own garden, next to a river. My mom, aunts, dad & I took turns to scatter his ashes, but my 2 uncle’s didn’t want to do it. It was pretty sad but at least he is no longer in pain and hopefully he’s with my grandmother and his sister now.

I’m going to miss talking to his every day on the phone, going to his house on the weekend, watching old cowboy movies with him, hearing old stories (even though I heard them 10000 times before) and I’ll miss seeing him laugh and smile.

I miss him like crazy 🙁


The last picture I took of him, a week before he passed away

Just got back from the hospital, grandpa hasn’t woken up at all today, he’s very frail. He’s pumped up on morphine and sedatives 🙁

His doctor said he probably won’t live past Monday 🙁

He’s not in any pain but please pray for him and hope he doesn’t suffer anymore than he already has!

He is so adorable, the look on his face when we got him a wheelchair and took him outside the hospital for the first time in 2 weeks was priceless!

Yesterday was a good day, he chatted away, watched the opening of the olympics and ate some yoghurt.

Who knows what today holds!

Grandpa to mom this afternoon:

You know, for 10 years since your mom died I’ve been lonely, really lonely but I’ve really looked forward to when Michelle comes and stays over with me. When she’s gone, I’m back to being lonely until when she comes back again. I really enjoy it when she visits me

*sigh*

I’ll miss that and it’s killing me, I just want to spend all the time I have with him

I know people care but when people say to me ‘I hope your grandfather gets better soon’ it seriously gets on my nerves because he won’t, all he is doing is getting worse! There is no ‘better’.

I haven’t updated in a while because basically he’s really bad right now, he’s basically starting to give up and he’s developing a temper and shouts at everyone around him, my mom and aunts have been crying there eyes out because of it.

I spent 4 hours sitting in the hospital with him today and he was hallucinating and shouting, my aunt was getting upset again so she had to walk out 🙁

He can’t walk anymore, the muscles that were once in his legs have all wasted away, he can’t even turn himself. Holding a cup proved hard enough *sigh*

I’m leaving the UK in a few months after the eventful time comes, as my mother says ‘you have nothing to stay for in the UK once he’s gone’ and she’s right, I don’t think I could stay here once he’s gone.

Now it’s the countdown 🙁