Life

Strong? Me?

Tell me how you are supposed to stay strong when you’ve been given the worst news possible? When the consultant took my mom & I into a room and broke the news to us, we couldn’t help but cry even though we were trying to stay (or pretend to be) strong. Even though on Monday they told us that he possibly does have cancer, it didn’t really hit me until today when it was confirmed.

A CT Scan confirmed that he has a large tumor in his liver, it is too big to remove thus in-operable. However, you cannot get liver cancer, basically it had to start from somewhere then attack itself to the liver. They think that it started in the bowel/pancreas because of other symptoms he has especially the bowel/digestion problems. Tonight he is getting an endoscopy to determine where the cancer has originated from and what stage he is in.

We were told he only has weeks to live

& no I’m not okay

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25 Comments

  • Reply
    Jacqui
    May 15, 2008 at 6:38 pm

    I don’t know what to tell you but you should make the most of the time you have left with him :s

  • Reply
    no0nzie
    May 15, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    aww this is such a heartbreaking post :'( grandparents like parents are irreplaceble! hang in there and pray for him, miracles happen! luv ya xox

  • Reply
    Sushi
    May 15, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    I don’t think you should lie to yourself and say everything is okay or going to be okay. I know this is really hard and what you’re going through is painful. There are things in life you have no control over such as losing the people you love. If its not going to happen today it will happen to morrow and we’re never ready for it and you can never be ready for it.

    I know this might sound crazy but try to de-tach yourself. Its okay to cry and crumble down. You’re human. Sometimes seeing your family around you encourages you to take care of them and hold it in but it IS OKAY to let it out- maybe not in front of him though.

    Try to make the most out of the time you have left.

    Its hard but you will get through this trust me. And these things make you a better stronger person.

    You’re doing great holding up so far girl. Vent as much as you want here. We’re all here for you.

  • Reply
    TAT
    May 15, 2008 at 8:24 pm

    hang in there I know its hard, there are times when you cant be strong and don’t have to put up a facade. just be you is all I can say

  • Reply
    Lavender©
    May 15, 2008 at 9:55 pm

    I Am sooo sorry 7abeebti… I pray that the time he has left is as painless as possible. Try to make the best of the time left with him… and keep praying… God can truly make miracles happen…

  • Reply
    Sou
    May 15, 2008 at 10:31 pm

    I’m so sorry Nani…I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through, and I won’t say I do; that’ll be a lie.

    Keep your head up.

  • Reply
    nono
    May 15, 2008 at 10:56 pm

    i turn speechless and i dont know what to say. be strong michelle. *hugs*

  • Reply
    Marzouq
    May 15, 2008 at 11:04 pm

    Your a strong girl and you were with him taking care of him so there is nothing to regret… he loves you and still does.. just be there for your family.. that is what you can do for now.. :)

  • Reply
    Swair
    May 15, 2008 at 11:10 pm

    I don’t know what to say…

  • Reply
    nannOo
    May 15, 2008 at 11:32 pm

    i’m so sorry ..

  • Reply
    Squirreliya
    May 16, 2008 at 4:01 am

    ohh am sorry for you ;( ..i really hate it when the doctors say how many days/weeks/months a person will live ..no one actually knows, they are only guessing and please don’t take that for sure! they told us my uncle has a month to live while he lived more than 6 months after …Allah yshafeeh w yhawen 3allaih, ajer w 3afya enshAllah

    ..eat and sleep well, take a good care of yourself dear

  • Reply
    Ansam
    May 16, 2008 at 6:18 am

    spend as much time as you can with him… know that whatever happens, happen for a reason. I know this is hard to deal with but also know he is in pain and suffering! I know you can deal with is. Stay strong xox

  • Reply
    sally
    May 16, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    We hardly know each other, but I really feel for you. I lost my mum to cancer when she was just 30. Last year I lost my grandad to cancer, and we went through the horrible degradation you describe that it brings to it’s victim. I think that’s the worst part.

    Spend as much time as you can with your grandad over the next few weeks/months. And you never know, only God knows what the outcome will be.

    All I can say is, time heals.

  • Reply
    missy
    May 16, 2008 at 3:52 pm

    *hugs*

  • Reply
    bee
    May 16, 2008 at 9:59 pm

    i’m sorry honey…. spend the time togather…I know how you feel.. I lost my father 2years ago with the same thing, and my sister 3years ago too… god will be with you honey….sorry I didnt know before

  • Reply
    Laialy_q8
    May 17, 2008 at 7:59 am

    No one know when a person will be gone, the doc says a week but your grandfather might have 5 years. Make the best of everyday and be strong

  • Reply
    Naz
    May 17, 2008 at 10:18 am

    My grandfather passed away last year, while I was away for uni. His health had been going downhill for a while, and my mom says he wasnt himself at the end. time heals, today i am thankful he’s in peace now.

    my biggest regret however is not being there. last time i had seen him was 3 months befor he passed away, and when i said goodbye i never thought it would be the last time. savor the moments you have with ur grandfather now, i know i would.

  • Reply
    mishref
    May 17, 2008 at 11:03 am

    My deepest condolences. I can relate to how you feel as I lost a grandma recently.

    No one can be strong in these situations.

  • Reply
    Cat
    May 18, 2008 at 9:26 am

    I am so sorry for the bad news :(

    hang in there sis :***

  • Reply
    lieye
    May 19, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    Sorry to hear the bad news,but this life to overcome all type of pain be positive.
    Remember the good time and things that happened in your life where grand dad was present and write them down and add what ever you remmember to the list . you will see that he is still alive but one thing you will miss is hugging.
    Sorry again

  • Reply
    Sam
    May 20, 2008 at 8:10 am

    hug

    Sorry to hear that mesho :(

    I know what you are going through. It sucks to always be told “You are strong!”, “Time heals!”, “It will be OK!”

    Unfortunately you have to hurt in order to heal, but try to get the first out of the way. It does eventually get better, it just takes time, and the willingness to get past it, not over it.

    Love ya Mesho!

  • Reply
    F.
    May 20, 2008 at 7:54 pm

    I’m so sorry. *HUG*

  • Reply
    Angelo
    May 21, 2008 at 8:37 am

    I’m so so sorry to hear the awful news. Hang in there honey. I’ll be praying for him today.

  • Reply
    Ms. Baker
    May 23, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    I am so very sorry Ananyah…

    My dad died last September after a long 8 year fight with kidney cancer that had metastasized (spread) to his lungs and brain. He fought his cancer with every bit of pissed off raging anger he had in him, until the very last moment when he left us.

    We took care of him like our baby in his final days. We had someone (a male nurse) to help us, but we – his children and his wife -we took care of him ourselves in every way you by now already know about. We tried not to keep him at the hospital (he had had a bleeding stroke or cerebral hemorrhage a year before he died and was completely paralyzed on one side of his body, and thats how we found out the cancer had finally spread to his brain) and we set up a room for him at home so he could be with us in his final days – however long they were. So he could watch TV, be visited by his friends and family in a “normal” setting, so we could feed and clean him ourselves and so he could just be in his own home, the house he had built years ago, the house that his own mother had lived in a long time ago, the house his children all grew up in.

    I know you are now reeling in shock and pain from the reality of what you have been told of your grandfathers condition, and the idea that there may be no hope. But there always is. Always. It is a day to day thing with terminal cancer. And even if the doctors happen to be right, I know you already understand that we are not meant to live forever, and even though it’s hard to accept that idea of dying when we ourselves are so caught up in our youthful life and its problems and grievances, life has a natural conclusion at some unknown point for us all. What counts more than anything, more than everything sweet Ananyah, is the love and strength we give each other when we face or witness our loved ones suddenly thrust into these painfully hard stages of life that we all will go through when our own time comes. How we love each other when we are suffering the most, when we face the very worst, when we are most terrified of what is to come. Sometimes we will do a good job of loving each other with all our hearts in these crises, sometimes we will suck at it. What counts is that we are there and we do not let go, and that our loved one knows it.

    If you disconnect from your pain at times and feel numb in order to deal psychologically ( you will witness many difficult things in the days to come and it will not be easy, trust me) it is ok and please forgive yourself. Sometimes this numbness is a blessing, a coping mechanism, a respite from reality. Don’t be angry with yourself if you do. Try to be as normal as you can with your grandfather when you can, talk to him, let him talk, try to carry out as normal a life as is possible somehow with him whether he stays in the hospital or comes home to be with you. The little normal boring routine things are a blessing in disguise.

    It really helps to talk to other families going through this as well, to hear of their coping strategies, their feelings, their experiences and stories. There will be this camaraderie between you, this instant connection. You will also find everyone will want to help and that there will be such an outpouring of love and care (from unexpected places and people – strangers even). Count yourself blessed when you do. There will be so much good mixed in with the bad in the days to come.

    Prayers for you and your family sweetie. I am wishing you much love, strength and energy in the days to come for your whole family, and the blessing of having each other to hold onto.

  • Reply
    ananyah
    May 24, 2008 at 2:05 pm

    @Jacqui – I’ve moved in with him, I help him around the house and I watch old movies with him… just a little bit of what I need to do to make him happy.

    @no0nzie – I’m waiting for a miracle as well! He’s ultra close to me *sigh*

    @Sushi – I never said everything will be ok, I said I’m not OK as in I’m upset about this. I’m staying strong for his sake, I’m trying to show him I’m ok and act “normal” around him. Time will tell I guess! Thank you ;*

    @TAT – my dad said when I cannot cope, just to go for a walk around the block.

    @Lavender© -so far 7umdullah he isn’t in pain, but we never know what tomorrow holds!

    @Sou – just being you and being my friend is enough :)

    @nono – I’m trying

    @Marzouq – It’s just heart breaking seeing him die infront of my eyes :(

    @Swair – a hug will do!

    @nannOo – thanks :(

    @Squirreliya – I’m alright, just worry about my grandfather, he’s an old man and a very private one so him being ill and slowly becoming incapable of doing daily tasks is already killing him.

    @Ansam – yah I bascially spend all day and night with him making sure he’s okay. Every hour I’m asking if he’s okay lol if he coughs I get worried! Slightly obsessive?

    @sally – I’m sorry to hear that, thanks for ur words it means alot. I’m trying my best to be strong and make sure everything is okay. I don’t know how I’ll cope when his symptoms become stronger tho.

    @missy – *hugs*

    @bee – it’s okay 7beebty, ur busy with ur little family. I’m sorry for your losses as well ;*

    @Laialy_q8 – you’re right, they say weeks, he could have months or even a few years. No one really knows!

    @Naz – not being able to say goodbye is the hardest thing ever, when my grandmother died (his wife), she died so quickly and I always regretted not seeing her the day she died. This time, I moved in with my grandfather to look after him but it’s hard day by day knowing he’s closer to being more ill.

    @mishref – sorry for your loss.

    @Cat – thank you

    @lieye – we’ve had alot of good times :)

    @Sam – love yew too! thanks for the advice samsam

    @F. – thanks *hug*

    @Angelo – that means alot, thank you!

    @Ms. Baker – I’m really sorry for your loss, allah yer7ama, sounds like ur dad was a true fighter! My grandfather got out of hospital last week, and we’ve tried to be normal around him. Cooking for him, watching movies together, playing games, laughing and joking. But at the same time, we can see the pain in his eyes, but he won’t admit he’s in any pain which is hard for us to deal with. He isn’t experiecing any major symptoms of the cancer yet 7umdullah, but when he does, a nurse will come in daily to help him out and of course I will be there as I’ve now moved in with him oo my family, my mom is coming to move in soon after she’s back from the states on vacation.

    You’re right about the strength part, away from him I crumble but when he’s near me, I find some inner strength and I know that means alot to him. He doesn’t want him loved ones to suffer around him. I don’t think I’ve reached the numbness stage, I think so far right now I’m alright because he is still capable of doing things for himself (to an extent), I’ll probably crumble when he turns into a baby and can’t do anything for himself, but even then I’d probably find some strength inside.

    Thank you so much for your comment, it really means alot to have your views on this situation. I hope you are alright *hugs*

    I’m currently watching old movies with my grandfather, he loves thoose!

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